Back on track.

The month is coming to an end.
The hardest month of my life.
Yesterday was the last day at my old job. Now I'm selling books for a living. And I'm free. Free from all the pressure and crazy people.

I'm free. And I smile when I come back home. I smile like I've never smiled. Of course, I am tired. But I'm not tortured anymore.

It's such a relief, you can't even imagine! 

I'm a new person and life is easier like this. My meds are working really fine and I'm more than stable. 

Is it a dream?

I think that my work just finally paid off and all hard decisions I had to make were good.

Sometimes life gives us a very huge lemon. Maybe I didn't make any lemonade but at least I put it into my cup of tea. That's something and I'm really proud of myself. That I was able, that I was strong enough to make a change.

Few months ago such things were unimaginable for me. I was a wreck and a slowly dying ghost.

Oh please, never again.

Here, have some nice music.

"If we gonna kill each other, how we gonna live forever?"

October 9th.
So many days since I wrote here for the last time.  I just really had no time to do it. First week of the worst month ever just passed. And I made it! I am very proud of myself because I have never had to work so hard in my life.
12 hours a day, six days a week. My body is screaming for sleep but in situations like this I see that now I am stronger than I've ever been before.
New job is really great, I get on very well with all the girls I work with.
And I carry on. I'm aware that it may be nothing special for most of the people but few months ago I was so weak, I used to come back home crying.
Now it has to change. I will do everything to make my life better. Because I deserve it. Yes I do.

October 10th.
I sent a birthday text to my friend one day too soon.
Well shit.
I really lost my sense of time.

October 11th.
I sent a birthday text right this time.

Girls in my bookstore put The Witcher poster on the wall to make me smile. It melted my heart, I'm telling you!
I'm already in bed after I spent another 12h at work. I'm tired, of course, but my mood is great today.
I finally start to feel that my job isn't my punishment. Which is just amazing, remembering that being a seller of anything have never been my dream job.
I've got a free spirit of an artist and I suffer deeply when something or someone tries to put me down.
Having no time keeps my head clean of worries. Just a cup of fresh tea and me. Nothing else matters.
I have my wild dreams back again. I dreamed about America last night. About beloved streets of New York City.

October 12th.
I'm just sitting in my favourite cafe, having the most amazing coffee and food, chatting with the girls that work here. I love them with all my heart. They always make me laugh so hard.
Surprisingly I had a chance to leave work quickly today - my boss let me go home, cause she knew I was very tired and we had all people at work today so it wasn't really a problem.
I love the atmosphere of coffee places. This unique smell of coffee everywhere, people talking, time flying so fast. It's a perfect environment for me to observe. People, the world. It's what I do best, I think.
(...)
My Autumn Bucket List doesn't go too well, I'm afraid. Soon I will update it. I just wait for my job marathon to end so I could finally enjoy it.

Tonight I'm digging in my old playlists I created years ago and I found good, old Scars On Broadway's album. It's a band created by Daron Malakian from System Of A Down. I'm completely in love with his lyrics and melodies created on this album. I'm leaving the playlist to check out yourself. :)

October 2nd. Middle of the night. 
The rain is still playing it's sounds on my window, this song lasts more than 24 hours now.
I dyed my hair tonight. I do this every few months to cover awful roots of my natural, terrible, grey - ish blonde colour.
Every time it happens I feel different. It's a small thing but it feels good, feels better, as a huge - little change I need in my life from time to time.
If you don't know me enough - I dye myself chocolate brown to be a confident, cold and toned brunette. I've tried a lot of shades in my life. Blondes, reds, blacks and even green. But this current one is definitely my favourite.
It makes me feel pretty even if I'm not. Even if I'm stuck in my pijamas with no make up or hair done.

October 2nd, the rest of the day.
Sunday was a dark and melancholic day. I was sleeping for a long time, the rainy weather caused a headache I couldn't get rid of.
Do you know the feeling when one song, one picture can bring someone or something back to your mind? Especially when you really don't want to get back to all those memories? Yeah, me too.

October 3rd.
My first day at new job - it was brilliant! I kicked ass, definitely. Girls were amazing, work is not so hard - there's some paperwork I need to catch up with, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I used to work in a shop before so I basically know the drill, the only difference is that previously I was selling clothes, now - books.
It's such a sad day though...

I'm Polish. I live in a beautiful country. Our nature is astonishing and our cities are pearls of world's architecture. But today all those cities were covered in black. Black of people protesting againts all the fanatics and ignorants who rule this country, trying so hard to break basic human rights, calling protesting women "prostitutes" and laughing out loud of all ways we try to opose.
I wanted to thank every person I know who supports us. It's so important during those dark days. Days when we are afraid about the future. #BlackProtest
I'm leaving here one of my favourite photos of my city, Gdańsk. I took it few summers ago.