Late night cup of tea.

Remember, remember the 5th of November. 
I downloaded Tinder only to swipe left the whole population of my city.
Everybody has moments of feeling lonely. Sometimes when it gets me I log in to some dating sites, I scroll a little and then I decide it's hopeless and I come back to my normal life.
That's what happened yesterday.
There's always a song, a book or a picture that reminds me of having a successful love life. I'm not a popular or a beautiful girl so when it happened it happened hard.
I was swiping all those profiles subconsciously and then I realised that all I'm looking at are naked chests or some stupid selfies.
I asked myself: what do people want to say with it? Do they want to be taken seriously or... I don't know.
I closed the app and came back to doodling in my journal. I planned the whole month already. But the rain still buries every bullet I made.

November 6th
The rain stopped.
Just as my happiness.
This day at work was hardly bearable and as I was coming back home I felt how my head is getting heavier and heavier. I knew that I will fall apart as soon as I reach my room.
My beech branch died. I think I'll get a new one. Just to pretend my presence needs some life around. That I'm not sucking all the good from the air.
My mind is like a black hole. It has no bottom, catches everything and from time to time, randomly takes something painful and spits it in my face. I took my journal and a green pen. I wrote:

Love of my life,
It's late again, late enough to have a cup of tea.
I can't speak,
I can't speak again, choking broken glass
Made out of my golden tears, 
Drawing roads on my face,
Leaving maps we will never explore.
My hands are cold from being untouched
And my heart is dark from being unloved.
Soon snow will cover my silent screams,
To never let you know I made again.

"I've missed you, let’s spend the future talking about the past."

I brought a beech branch home today. With beautiful, little, yellow leafs. I put it on my desk in a tall glass of water so I can fully feel the scent of autumn.
My room is cluttered, I had no time to clean it up lately. There are books everywhere. Books and notebooks I was looking through to find the perfect one for my Bullet Journal. November just started, so I need to prepare my next days in the journal - haven't heard of bullet journaling? Check out this site - http://bulletjournal.com/
A friend asked me on twitter to make one and even if I had no idea what is it, I read a little and now I own one of the journals myself too.
I ordered another Daughter's vinyl record. Turned out I can order vinyls from my workplace, in very good prices so... ups, I need to say goodbye to my money.
I regret nothing.
Yet.
Soon I'll try to catch up with my letters. I know it's not possible to write back to all of them at once, but I'm going to do this step by step.
Recently I received two wonderful letters and I realised how I miss writing them myself. To prepare every piece differently for each person. Heh, motivation, I ask you kindly - come back to me.
I spent last few evenings on playing Skyrim: Special Edition.
Gosh, how I missed this game. This nordic atmosphere of Tamriel and new graphics are incredible. If I had no job I'd play all nights.
I hope you are well. I leave you with Daughter's new song.
Lots of love!

Back on track.

The month is coming to an end.
The hardest month of my life.
Yesterday was the last day at my old job. Now I'm selling books for a living. And I'm free. Free from all the pressure and crazy people.

I'm free. And I smile when I come back home. I smile like I've never smiled. Of course, I am tired. But I'm not tortured anymore.

It's such a relief, you can't even imagine! 

I'm a new person and life is easier like this. My meds are working really fine and I'm more than stable. 

Is it a dream?

I think that my work just finally paid off and all hard decisions I had to make were good.

Sometimes life gives us a very huge lemon. Maybe I didn't make any lemonade but at least I put it into my cup of tea. That's something and I'm really proud of myself. That I was able, that I was strong enough to make a change.

Few months ago such things were unimaginable for me. I was a wreck and a slowly dying ghost.

Oh please, never again.

Here, have some nice music.

"If we gonna kill each other, how we gonna live forever?"

October 9th.
So many days since I wrote here for the last time.  I just really had no time to do it. First week of the worst month ever just passed. And I made it! I am very proud of myself because I have never had to work so hard in my life.
12 hours a day, six days a week. My body is screaming for sleep but in situations like this I see that now I am stronger than I've ever been before.
New job is really great, I get on very well with all the girls I work with.
And I carry on. I'm aware that it may be nothing special for most of the people but few months ago I was so weak, I used to come back home crying.
Now it has to change. I will do everything to make my life better. Because I deserve it. Yes I do.

October 10th.
I sent a birthday text to my friend one day too soon.
Well shit.
I really lost my sense of time.

October 11th.
I sent a birthday text right this time.

Girls in my bookstore put The Witcher poster on the wall to make me smile. It melted my heart, I'm telling you!
I'm already in bed after I spent another 12h at work. I'm tired, of course, but my mood is great today.
I finally start to feel that my job isn't my punishment. Which is just amazing, remembering that being a seller of anything have never been my dream job.
I've got a free spirit of an artist and I suffer deeply when something or someone tries to put me down.
Having no time keeps my head clean of worries. Just a cup of fresh tea and me. Nothing else matters.
I have my wild dreams back again. I dreamed about America last night. About beloved streets of New York City.

October 12th.
I'm just sitting in my favourite cafe, having the most amazing coffee and food, chatting with the girls that work here. I love them with all my heart. They always make me laugh so hard.
Surprisingly I had a chance to leave work quickly today - my boss let me go home, cause she knew I was very tired and we had all people at work today so it wasn't really a problem.
I love the atmosphere of coffee places. This unique smell of coffee everywhere, people talking, time flying so fast. It's a perfect environment for me to observe. People, the world. It's what I do best, I think.
(...)
My Autumn Bucket List doesn't go too well, I'm afraid. Soon I will update it. I just wait for my job marathon to end so I could finally enjoy it.

Tonight I'm digging in my old playlists I created years ago and I found good, old Scars On Broadway's album. It's a band created by Daron Malakian from System Of A Down. I'm completely in love with his lyrics and melodies created on this album. I'm leaving the playlist to check out yourself. :)

October 2nd. Middle of the night. 
The rain is still playing it's sounds on my window, this song lasts more than 24 hours now.
I dyed my hair tonight. I do this every few months to cover awful roots of my natural, terrible, grey - ish blonde colour.
Every time it happens I feel different. It's a small thing but it feels good, feels better, as a huge - little change I need in my life from time to time.
If you don't know me enough - I dye myself chocolate brown to be a confident, cold and toned brunette. I've tried a lot of shades in my life. Blondes, reds, blacks and even green. But this current one is definitely my favourite.
It makes me feel pretty even if I'm not. Even if I'm stuck in my pijamas with no make up or hair done.

October 2nd, the rest of the day.
Sunday was a dark and melancholic day. I was sleeping for a long time, the rainy weather caused a headache I couldn't get rid of.
Do you know the feeling when one song, one picture can bring someone or something back to your mind? Especially when you really don't want to get back to all those memories? Yeah, me too.

October 3rd.
My first day at new job - it was brilliant! I kicked ass, definitely. Girls were amazing, work is not so hard - there's some paperwork I need to catch up with, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I used to work in a shop before so I basically know the drill, the only difference is that previously I was selling clothes, now - books.
It's such a sad day though...

I'm Polish. I live in a beautiful country. Our nature is astonishing and our cities are pearls of world's architecture. But today all those cities were covered in black. Black of people protesting againts all the fanatics and ignorants who rule this country, trying so hard to break basic human rights, calling protesting women "prostitutes" and laughing out loud of all ways we try to opose.
I wanted to thank every person I know who supports us. It's so important during those dark days. Days when we are afraid about the future. #BlackProtest
I'm leaving here one of my favourite photos of my city, Gdańsk. I took it few summers ago.

Sweater Weather.

September 28th

A quiet day at work. Cloudy sky made everyone really moody.

First day without my sister at home went really unnoticed. 

I'm a loner, so I usually spend my evenings with music and books in my room.

I bought a wonderful lipstick, perfect for autumn. 

September 29th

It's a great day to use the lipstick I mentioned above. A beautiful, rose - like colour. 

I've got a day off.

I'm just getting ready to leave, I'm meeting a friend soon. 

I could sleep as long as I wanted to, so I woke up feeling much better.

Last nights are pretty hard for me, I can't sleep - insomnia is back more than ever.

7.50p.m.

Oh we had such a nice dinner, I'm telling you. 

The day passed so fast, I can't believe it. Luckily I have a weekend off too, so I plan to take some photos - finally! All my cameras are completely covered in dust and it really hurts my soul. But the weather is still nice, so we want to use all this time well.

I created a playlist for you, guys. Something from the bottom of my heart to start my beloved autumn really well. Something to keep your evenings warm. And I really hope you enjoy. 

Lots of love

Autumn Bucket List

Semtember 25th.
Working Sunday is like... a day totally wasted. When you start your job at 3:00 p.m. you simply sleep as long as you can - well I do. I'm a night creature. I'm hyperactive during the evening and totally dead in the morning. Like a little hedgehog cuddled between some leaves.
But hey, autumn is already here and winter is coming and it's time to make some nice things for myself.
I used to be cold and pragmatic but come on, if I don't make life more colorful for myself nobody will do it for me.
I decided to make my own Autumn Bucket List. And you, guys, will be informed how it's going. I think it's a nice thing to cheer myself up and embrace my beloved autumn with my friends and on my own.

September 26th.
My younger sister is leaving for Spain tomorrow. She's going to spend there the whole year, working with children.
Am I jealous?
I don't know. I wish I had the courage to leave home for so long. I've tried once. It ended bad - my mental state got much worse and recovery was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced.
But I'm much better now, I already started my "new me" process - maybe new home will come along with my new job? Time will show.
Me and my family have a dinner out tonight for our last day together.
For the first time I will have our room only for myself. It doesn't change much but feels good.

10:54p.m.
I'm back from the family diner. It was really nice. But to be honest, I was thinking about my bucket list all the time, hahaha.
So, here it is.
Do something good for you too during these short, beautiful days.

ps: I added a bloglovin' widget to the blog - give me some love. :)

Oh, hello.

I've never had an english journal. Even if it's my second language and sometimes some things are easier for me to express in english - I've always written my poems and fears only in polish. 
I know my grammar may not be perfect, and I'm sorry for that. I used to speak more than write - but a person's always learning, right?

September 24th. 
Finally, a day off. I might describe this week as "not that terrible" and that's quite an achievement for me. I told my boss that I quit next month. I was so scared of her reaction but in the end she was't even mad that much.
There is so many things to do, so many letters to write back to, such a mess in my room and still, the only thing I do is looking for first yellow leaves in the woods around me. September feels warm and calm, smells of the sun so shy that you can barely notice it among the curly clouds.
My new job is in a bookstore. With people my age finally. They are so nice to me everytime we meet, they show me how happy they are that we're about to work together. I've never felt that before. I'm so looking forward to start already, even if I know it's gonna be much harder than my current job. But I don't even mind, you know? I'm just sure it's gonna be better anyway.

This is my first post and most of you don't even know who I am. Well, my bad.
I'm Mary, I'm 26. I fight depression for about 10 years now. I'm a child of Snow and Winter, that's why I nicknamed myself Lady Snowborn. But my favourite season is Autumn. People I loved told me my heart is made of stone or ice. But I can't really agree. My heart is just deep in sorrow and I'm so dififcult to love that my bed is cold and empty every single night.
I can't live without art. Photography, poetry, any kind of art really. It touches my soul and with art I can say I am still alive. Cause my cold hands always deny my words.

I bought myself a Venus flytrap. I've always dreamed of one so I'm so excited to have this little creature on my desk right now. I named her Cersei. Because the queen is venomous and dangerous.
She joins my Betta fish Mackbeth as my closest pet friends.