I downloaded Tinder only to swipe left the whole population of my city.
Everybody has moments of feeling lonely. Sometimes when it gets me I log in to some dating sites, I scroll a little and then I decide it's hopeless and I come back to my normal life.
That's what happened yesterday.
There's always a song, a book or a picture that reminds me of having a successful love life. I'm not a popular or a beautiful girl so when it happened it happened hard.
I was swiping all those profiles subconsciously and then I realised that all I'm looking at are naked chests or some stupid selfies.
I asked myself: what do people want to say with it? Do they want to be taken seriously or... I don't know.
I closed the app and came back to doodling in my journal. I planned the whole month already. But the rain still buries every bullet I made.
November 6th
The rain stopped.
Just as my happiness.
This day at work was hardly bearable and as I was coming back home I felt how my head is getting heavier and heavier. I knew that I will fall apart as soon as I reach my room.
My beech branch died. I think I'll get a new one. Just to pretend my presence needs some life around. That I'm not sucking all the good from the air.
My mind is like a black hole. It has no bottom, catches everything and from time to time, randomly takes something painful and spits it in my face. I took my journal and a green pen. I wrote:
Love of my life,
It's late again, late enough to have a cup of tea.
I can't speak,
I can't speak again, choking broken glass
Made out of my golden tears,
Drawing roads on my face,
Leaving maps we will never explore.
My hands are cold from being untouched
And my heart is dark from being unloved.
Soon snow will cover my silent screams,
To never let you know I made again.
